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Literature Text
I am the primordial beast.
The one who pulled you from the sea.
Emerging so filthy,
Staining the claws which held you a moment.
But of the stains I grew so fond,
Spreading their neurotic cancer.
Now I only see those kaleidoscope eyes.
Through which I saw other worlds,
Turning, shifting,
My gaze toward new horizons.
Blinded in lust and bliss,
I perished for a colorful facade
Two weeks ago which became prehistoric.
The one who pulled you from the sea.
Emerging so filthy,
Staining the claws which held you a moment.
But of the stains I grew so fond,
Spreading their neurotic cancer.
Now I only see those kaleidoscope eyes.
Through which I saw other worlds,
Turning, shifting,
My gaze toward new horizons.
Blinded in lust and bliss,
I perished for a colorful facade
Two weeks ago which became prehistoric.
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© 2015 - 2024 rustedcreature
Comments8
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I noticed you were looking for critique over at the forums, so I thought I'd pop in and celebrate CRITmas with you. Sound good?
If you don't know about Critmas yet, It's Here! Critmas 2015!
First things first: your piece is absolutely original and intriguing, and solid. I like it very much even though I can only guess at some of those last lines' meaning. My theory is of a creator that lost itself (i.e, died) at the moment it created Man and its ability to imagine. Very nice - but is it what YOU had in mind?
A second concern of mine is the punctuation - I can see it's used consistently, but even then the capitals that do not belong to the beginning of a new sentence catch me off guard a bit. Maybe that's a preference of mine messing with me, but I can't help but wonder if it would improve the poem if those were left lowercase.
In summary though, I feel a bit bad of criticising such a unique piece and I hope you don't take offence to my nitpicking.
Have a glorious 2016, and hopefully a prolific one, too.
Cheers!
If you don't know about Critmas yet, It's Here! Critmas 2015!
First things first: your piece is absolutely original and intriguing, and solid. I like it very much even though I can only guess at some of those last lines' meaning. My theory is of a creator that lost itself (i.e, died) at the moment it created Man and its ability to imagine. Very nice - but is it what YOU had in mind?
A second concern of mine is the punctuation - I can see it's used consistently, but even then the capitals that do not belong to the beginning of a new sentence catch me off guard a bit. Maybe that's a preference of mine messing with me, but I can't help but wonder if it would improve the poem if those were left lowercase.
In summary though, I feel a bit bad of criticising such a unique piece and I hope you don't take offence to my nitpicking.
Have a glorious 2016, and hopefully a prolific one, too.
Cheers!